Imagine you’re invited to a party with a bunch of philosophers, and you don’t know what to expect. Here’s what some of them would be doing when you walk into the room…
Descartes: Doubts everything is real, and when somebody convinces him he’s not a thinking thing, he disappears.
Plato: You introduce yourself, and he tells you that you don’t know what exactly a party is because you’ve never spent time with the Form of Party. Also asks you if you’ve managed to escape the cave yet.
Marx: Is trying to convince some members of the working class to join together internationally with their brothers to overtake capitalists and put the means of production into the worker’s hands.
Hume: Is getting impressions of everything at the party so he can truly have an idea of what a party is. Later seen arguing with Descartes about the existence of God.
Nietzche: Rides up in a tank, kicks a few people he assumes are weak out of the party, declares himself a übermensch and that only he is fit to govern the party.
Mill: Is going around trying to increase the general happiness of the party, as a good utilitarian. Gives the workers some supplies and money after Marx harasses them so they have better footing to succeed in an unequal society.
Kant: Is stuck evaluating the moral worth of every single action he could make, so is sitting doing nothing most of the party since he’s afraid of doing something that isn’t out of moral duty.
Lucretius: Is trying to explain how atoms swerve using different balls made out of food to Anaxagoras, who in turn keeps trying to prove that things have tiny things of everything else in them by cutting food open.