letting go

When Home Just Isn’t Home Anymore

So…you’ve lived apart from your family for a few months, even an entire school year. And now, you’re back to their house or your hometown for a little bit. You’re happy, but coming “home” has somehow become different.

I’ve already experienced this feeling before moving away to university, after having done some traveling without my family. But it wasn’t until I lived in residence in university and visited my home for the holidays that I noticed how out of place I felt at home.

When you first see your family and friends, it seems like everything is the same. Same house, same car, same dog, same city. But they’ve really changed. See, the funny thing is, other people aren’t static. They grow up, get new hobbies or jobs, new friends or partners, and even if you know about all of that before you reunite, you’ll still have to get used to how those things affect your loved one’s daily lives.

But, the hardest part of coming home is being faced with how you’ve changed. After all, you’ve been away and learned some valuable lessons on your own. From friendships to things you learned in university courses, you’re not the same person you left home as. I know I came back from my first semester of university with new friends, a realization of how hard university can be, and with more independence. I’d even become a bit more extroverted, which is no small feat for me.

So, is there anything you can do about coming home and facing change or being changed?

To be honest, you can’t do much but to accept the changes and adapt to your new life. You’ll never be able to change the paths of others in your life, so you’ll either have to accept them as they are or set them loose. Sometimes the best thing you can do is let go of a friend in your life. It might be tough, but you’ll survive.

As for personal change, you’ll have to assess whether it’s good or bad, and then embrace what will allow you to become the best version of yourself. Take some time to have a heart to heart with yourself, and it’ll help you grow as a person. I hope that what you discover allows you to reach your goals and contribute to the world around you.

Just remember, change is a healthy part of life. You won’t be able to avoid it, but you can change how you react to it. So, when you feel out of sorts going home the next school break, go out and embrace the weirdness of change!

-Mel.

Threads

It’s funny, how we humans cling to the smallest thread of hope when it can hurt us so much.

But he was a seemingly never ending thread clinging to me, and for every inch I found there seemed to be three more. Now, as I’m sitting here with pain in my heart, and another set of a million questions in my head, maybe, I think, it’s time to let go.

I still remember the moments I was in love with him. They’re fleeting now, sometimes my mind replays them late at night, as if warning me of the mistake I’ve made. How should it know it was a mistake, when these last few months giving back into his love has felt like a dream?

How should I know?

How should I know I don’t love him anymore?

How should I know why a part of me still loves him and aches to be with him and kiss him and just love HIM?

The truth is, I don’t know.

But I know what I need to do right now, and that it is the right decision at this point in my life.

Tomorrow, I will write him a long letter. A letter that I really wish he could avoid being hurt from, but one that he needs to read. Because if not, he won’t ever understand why we need to go our separate ways.

It’s sort of ironic, in a way, that it’s taken me this long to realize that I need to write that letter. As if our love has still kept me blind to why I left in the first place.

But I’m just reflecting to put off what I have to do. I have been for months. And maybe all those crucial moments of time in the last few months I could have done it. But it just never felt right, I just never felt ready to let go.

So tomorrow, I’ll get rid of that thread, dangling loosely from the whole of the tapestry of my life. After all, it’s had it’s shining moment, but now it’s time to cut it from the whole.

God, this will hurt.

I’m holding the scissors open around that stupid thread.

I’m closing my eyes. I can’t watch.

Snip.

Done. The End. No more.

I love you.